20 MINUTES

Last night was the scariest day of my life. I lost my little girl for 15-20 minutes. We were in Kuala Lumpur International Airport waiting for our flight to Sydney when that shit happened. Omboy was looking after Aneeqah, he thought she followed me going to the bathroom. But no, she didn't. When I went out of the comfort room I asked where is Aneeqah and then we realized that we lost her. I felt nothing, nothing at all! :( My heart was pumping hard that I thought I was having a heart attack. She is my life, I said to Allah swt. Not her, not another loss. Not again. I will not take it and can't handle it anymore. I am so tired of being strong. I cannot take another loss. Especially my ittle girl, she's my LIFE. She keeps me sane, she's the only one who keeps me sane. then I told Ya Allah to bring back my little girl and I'll do EVERYTHING. I will do things that I should've done a long time. Pray, and do my best to follow all his commands. Running to the airport, shouting her name. Million times, million million times. I was so scared. So so scared. Then suddenly, the guards approach us that they had an information about a missing child. Omboy and I ran hand in hand towards the information booth, and there I saw Achie Steph holding my little girl. Such a relief, ALHAMDULLILAH! All praises due to Allah SWT. I owe you, a lot YA ALLAH! I will be doing my job in return. Just give me more time. I still have palpitations, I am still scared. But all of this will be gone soon, very very soon inshaAllah!

Home before 2011

I can't seem to explain how I felt when I learned that my eldest brother is coming home. I don't remember the last time he went home just to "see us." If I am not mistaken, the last time he was home was when he had a meeting here in Cotabato. Half of his life is spent in Manila. I grew up not seeing him often. I remember that I used to be a surprise to him. Mom would let me come with her when she visits him in Manila. Kaka was my idol. The man who rarely talk and who hugs and kisses me gazillion times BEFORE. Oh well I know I broke his heart when I got pregnant. Now he decided to celebrate the new year with us. I am so happy to see him. And it made me miss Mommy more. She could've been so happy seeing her favorite son. The one who never failed her. I love my siblings so much. They are the ones who reminds me of my parents. The ones who refreshes my treasure of memories. Memories that I want to remember. Memories of my family. I miss them so much. I miss Mommy so much and Daddy. We could've been the most wonderful family if we're complete. Ya Allah! Thank you for my family.

RING A BELL

Dec 10, 2010: Aneeqah was very active in the morning. It was yaya's day off so I decided to pay a visit to my sister Deeyah and leave her for a while because I was preparing for her birthday party the next day. At around 12:00 I came back to my sister's house to get her and went home to put her to her afternoon nap. Omboy and I decided to leave her to a house help while she was asleep to eat out for lunch and run some errands. When we came home, Aneeqah was already awake and the house help already made her eat. I decided to bring her with me to go to the grocery. While we were on our way to the grocery I noticed that she was feeling sick and she was warm. Then after grocery, we decided to go to my mother's house and there we noticed that she was sick and had hot flashes. I rushed her to her pediatrician and on our way to the doctor's clinic she vomited and that made me so scared. While her pedia checked her, she was very wild and didn't want to be checked. I was crying by that time because I had no choice but to force her to do some tests to know the problem. We were advised to have her blood checked, and so we did. The result was not good. The results shows that she had infection and a possibility of having a tonsilitis. She was prescribed to be under antibiotic and paracetamol. These are the times when I feel very scared and can't help it but to cry. I was very worried. Then I came to a realization that maybe these things happens because I was very busy with some other things. I was always out and had lesser time with her. I'm sorry anak, things just pilled up. From the elections to many many things to do. I focused on your Papa. Sorry. I promise to find more time with you. I love you and will always be here to take care of you. I love you more than anything in this world.

UMMA

"UMMA" is an Arabic term for MOTHER. My mother used to call my grandmother, Umma. I remember how my mom told me "Pag nagkaanak kayo, gusto ko Umma tawag sa akin. " I always return to that memory whenever I think of me having a daughter. She was very excited and hopeful to have grandchildren. She always wish for one. I remember July 21, 2005 when my sister Deeyah and Mommy went to the Laboratory to have a pregnancy test, and yes the result was positive. Mommy and Kaka Deeyah had a good cry seeing the result. Mommy was very excited to be a Grandmother and to be called Umma. September 2005, Mommy passed away. Kaka Deeyah was 3 months pregnant. It broke my heart that Mommy never enjoyed being a grandmother. I know she'll be the best spoiler grandmother in the universe. When I knew that I was pregnant, I cried because I know everybody thinks that it's still not time yet. But I had this random thought that maybe, just maybe Mommy was still here, she would be supportive but I know it will not be easy for her to understand my situation, but hey, she's my mother. She's the only person who will understand me even the the whole world doesn't. When I gave birth to Aneeqah, I remember calling her name after my Ceasarian Operation. I thought I saw her. Seriously. I went through a lot of things, and I always tell myself "Things would be different when Mommy's here." Today, I was very worried because my daughter has a fever and vomits several times. I cried when we went to her doctor. I am so scared. And I still wish Mommy is here. Luckily, I have a big sister like Kaka Deeyah. She took Mommy's place to look after me, and I am so grateful. I knew Mommy left us this early because she was sure that I will be ok. That she left me with a sister like Kaka Deeyah. Now I am missing her more. I wish I was as strong as my mother. May Allah SWT bless her soul. I miss you, Mang. 

Amun Jadeed

Today marks the new year for Muslims. We call it "Amun Jadeed". We call the first month, "Muharram" Our family is very happy because in welcoming the first day of the year, we also welcome the new member of the family, Liam Ayman Jaugan Ala. The son of my brother-in-law Ritche ans Sheena. Alhamdulillah!

I spent the whole day preparing for Aneeqah's 2nd birthday party. Invitations, giveaways, etc. I also went to visit my doctor but unluckily there were lots of patients so I decided not to wait and be back tomorrow. Oh and I had a good day that's why I just had a mild anxiety! Ha ha ha! :) I hope things will be better for me. InshaALLAH! Looking forward to more and more blessings and wonderful days ahead of me. InshaAllah! All praises due to Allah SWT! Happy Amun Jadeed! :)

Tiw (2)

Tiw- This is how she say two. 3 days fron now I am going to be a mother of a 2 year old little girl who can count 1 to 10 and can recognize 30 kinds of animals. I know I am blessed to have a daughter like Aneeqah. She can talk straight and tell what she feels in Taglish. Everyone says that she's advanced for her age. And I thank the almighty for that, Alhamdulillah. I can still remember how I cried when she turned 1 last year. And I promise myself not to cry during her birthday party. I am very happy but scared, because things are now clear to her. She can easily understand and loves to imitate people. I am happy because she's good at it but scared because she might imitate bad people. I only wish her to be healthy, kind hearted, smart and lovable forever. I love you Anak! You are the one who keeps me sane and insane at the same time.

Alone

Its been a while since I had my "Me Time". I always have my husband and baby beside me. Now, baby's asleep and hubby's out of town. Today, I decided to write again. I had this really really bad day that started from the opening of my eyes. I got a text message from my daughter's yaya that she'll be an hour late because of some reasons. I was mad because I am not a morning person and since hubby's not here, no one can attend to my baby's need. After that I was the one who prepared food for my baby, and etcetera. I decided to take a nap and let the other maids look after her while she's playing. But I woke up again because the yaya arrived and woke me just to tell me that my hubby called and wants me to run errands. I was extremely mad that I called him and made "mura and sigaw" to release the tension. I knew my blood pressure would go up and that leads me to anxiety/panic attacks. And yes, I had 130/100 bp. I am very aware that I cannot manage my anger, I get stressed out with simple things. And I don't want this. It scares me especially when my bp is up. Everythings fine now with the yaya and my hubby. I already apologized to my husaband and accepted his appology. I am now in a status where I control my emotions. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to release this stress. I can still feel my bp's still up and I am scared. Now I'm starting to cry. Alhamdulillah. I was right, I just have to release the tension and cry. I should've done this everytime I'm hurt. I should've done this when daddy died. I should have done this when mommy died. Crying is difficult for me. Especially when I am hurt. I am scared. I want to feel good again. InshaAllah.